France's New Groove
by KaoruTheRandomBookworm
Summary: What happens when France turns into a llama and is stuck with only a prissy brit as a companion? Well, we'll soon find out, won't we?
1. Chapter 1

Oh, bonjour. It's strange how... strange... life can be. One day you're doing the same thing you do every day. You're just sitting around your home, picking on your younger brother the way good big brothers do. The next day you're... Well... Pathetic. Sure, you can't see me right now... But... I've been turned into an animal. And no, this isn't some silly fairy tale parents tell their children. I'm not a werewolf or something like that. I've been turned into a llama.

That's right; my once beautiful face has become that of a stupide animal that isn't even from my own country. I didn't even get the privilege of being one of my own brilliant and beautiful animals. No, I'm an animal from a completely different place. South America, in case you were wondering.

Oh, pardon. I didn't even introduce myself, did I? I just started going on and on about how I'm a llama. Well, I haven't always been a llama. You probably don't believe me, and that's all right. I can't blame you. Of course, I doubt you'd believe me if I told you who I was before, either. No? You don't think so? What if I told you that every country in the whole wide world was represented by a single person. And no, I don't mean a president or a king. I mean, a person that _is _that country. And what if I told you this fact was a well kept secret by every government in the world?

Yeah, I knew you'd be skeptical, but it's true. Not only is it true, but I happen to be one of those countries. My name is France. Yes, that's really my name, and yes that my country. It's the best country there is. We speak the language of love, and we have a beautiful land. Sure, none of this may make sense to you, and I can't guarantee that it will, but just stay with me.

So, I was once a country. I guess I still am, but what I mean is that I once looked human... And pretty young for my age, I might add. To tell you the truth, I was one of the oldest countries there is. Everyone looked up to me. I was sort of the big brother of the crowd. They came to me for advice and they came to me when they needed a bit more than advice.

The point is, I was great... And now I'm a llama... And the reason you're here is so I can tell you my story. I want to tell you why they ruined my life for no reason. If you're saying "Why would someone ruin your life for _no reason_, there must be one," then sit down my little skeptical friend, and I'll take you back to before I was a llama. It'll all make sense.

First, I'll take you to the greatest country in the world. France.

My mansion was modest, and to be honest there weren't that many workers in my mansion. I was... AM... the type of person that likes to get things done on my own, so any other people in my house were just to do the things I couldn't do.

* * *

On a day that started out just like any other, France sat down for lunch across from a large mirror. "Well, hello," he smiled to his reflection. "It's nice of you to join me."

France ate his meal, all the while talking animatedly to his reflection. He told jokes, laughed, and asked "remember when"s. France had been doing this once a week for many years, and didn't intend to quit anytime soon. For these special days, he took his meal to a room he had built for this exact routine right before the first time he did it. The room was soundproof with dim lighting and set the mood for the perfect date.

About halfway through his meal, and halfway through a joke, the door to the room flew open, causing sound from the outside to come rushing in. All around France's home servants and soldiers were running and screaming as a cat dodged their many attempts at capturing it.

"Sir!" the breathless servant yelled. "We're having a bit of a problem! It seems that a few cats..."

France sighed and laid his utensils on his plate. He glared at the servant in the reflection of the mirror and turned around very slowly. "Can't you see," France's voice was barely contained, "that you are interrupting my me time?"

"But sir, the cats..."

"No." France stood up and walked over to the man in the doorway. "Don't you understand how important this is?" France snapped. "How am I supposed to get into the groove of the week without my me time? How am I expected to go to many meetings with my boss, if I can't even have quiet time to myself? Do you know what my me time is?"

"Don't you just have lunch alone?"

France's eyes widened with fury. "Of course I don't just have lunch alone! This is when I gather my thoughts about all the things going on in this country and try to maintain a stress-free demeanor. Do you know what this interruption and this _noise_ is doing to my stress level?"

"Making it rise, sir?"

"MAKING IT RISE!" France bursts out. "NOW GET OUT OF HERE!"

A guard who was carry a cat in one arm walked over to the servant and picked him up by the back of the shirt. "I'm sorry, you have just been terminated for interrupting The Me Time."

"But... What?" the servant gasped.

"I am sorry." The guard walked away with the servant in tow.

France closed the door and walked back to the table with his lunch. "Now, where were we?"


	2. Chapter 2

"I don't know who he thinks he is," England complained to himself, staring at the letter France had sent him. "First he sends me a letter telling me to come see him, then he neglects to tell me that he built himself a new winter home. And if being miles away from the proper destination isn't enough, I can't even read the bloody address he scribbled quickly across a napkin and had sent to me."

Turning the corner of the street he was on, England nearly ran into a man hurrying down the street. "Excuse me, sir," the man apologized.

"Not to worry, but if you don't mind can you tell me where this house is?"

The man glanced at the napkin and rolled his eyes. "Don't tell me he's replaced me already."

"I'm sorry?" England asked, confused.

"Never mind," the man shook his head. "If you go down this street, turn right at the next intersection, then turn left at the next, go all the way to the end of that street. What you'll want to do next is turn left, there won't be anything that way, but don't worry. Look along the edge of the street until you find a footpath. Then you just keep walking until you see the house. It's the only thing around so you won't miss it. It's pretty grand. I just want to warn you that the man that runs that house is probably the most furiating man I have ever met in my life."

England nodded. Of course, this wasn't news to him.

"But you should probably wait another hour or so before actually approaching the house. You wouldn't want to interrupt his 'Me Time.' That's what I did and that's why I've just been fired."

"I honestly don't think that it'll be a problem for me," England started.

"No, trust me. Don't. Interrupt. The. Me. Time."

"Are you going to be okay?"

The man started walking quickly away, "The me time... It's important."

* * *

Now, now. I know what you're thinking. England is a well-dressed British Gentleman. What does he have to do with me being a llama? Well, don't be fooled by his demeanor. He is definitely allied with the people ruining my life. He's trouble, but as bad as he is, he is nothing compared to who's next.

Belarus.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. How can someone with the word "belle" in there name be so bad? Yeah, I thought so to. I invited her to my home five years ago just to get to know her. No one seemed to get along with her and I figured I would take care of her. I _am_ everyone's big brother after all. However, I soon realized she was... fou... crazy.

I tried to get her to leave, but she someone developed a vendetta against me and refuses. She hangs around my home and is staying in the guest house behind mine. I figured she couldn't possibly be dangerous if she isn't doing anything against me. Little did I know she was only plotting, waiting for me to let my guard down.

And although she's a bit unwelcome, I never took much notice of her, except when it's needed. And it turns out Belarus isn't as friendless as I thought she was. For the five years that she's been around my home, Lithuania has been visiting her. He used to only come for a day or two, but as time went on he began staying longer and longer. Now he never leaves, he just trails around her like a puppy... Yup, a dog. He'll do anything to impress Belarus.

The pair together was harmless enough, and I with Lithuania here I thought he would calm Belarus.

It seemed to work for a while, so everything seemed to be going my way. Or so I thought.

* * *

"You're going the wrong way," Belarus told a man as he passed her on the footpath.

"Excuse me?" he asked.

"There's nothing back there except a mansion," she looked him up and down, taking him in. "I see nothing special about you. Nothing that would allow you to enter such a place."

"I am, madam, very important to France. And seeing as I have no idea who _you _are, I don't think you have any right to tell me who should be able to enter _France's_ home."

Belarus's eyes widened and she sneered at the man. "It is no concern of mine," she hissed at him, "how important you are to France, but I feel it is my duty to inform you that France will be very busy today, and is, in fact, busy at this very moment. So you should leave and take your _importance_ and come back another day."

The man frowned and shook his head. "I guess I'll have to tell France the next time I see him that he shall have to choose his maids with a better eye."

"A maid?" Belarus scoffed. "Is that what you think I am. Well, I assure you that I am something _much much worse." _

The man took a step back from her, seeing something in her eyes that he didn't like and for the first time seeing the man standing behind her, looking as if he would protect Belarus at a moment's notice. "I see," he said. "I'll be returning another day then."

The man turned on his heel and made his way back down the footpath. "The people here need to learn some respect," Belarus growled, turning to look at Lithuania only to see France had approached.

"The nerve of some people," he nodded. "To think the secretary of my boss would come all this way to speak with me only to be so _inconsiderate_ to you." The sarcasm in France's was barely hidden. "As much as I appreciate you keeping the riff-raff from my house, I _do _in fact have a very important someone who may be coming today.. So can you not... do _that._" He motioned after the man with his hand.

"Do what?" Belarus asked.

"Scare him away. Or have you already?"

Belarus smiled. "Of course not, I was only trying to keep your schedule open in case he were to arrive."

"It was really a _service_ to you, France," Lithuania jumped in.

France cast him a dark look and moved closer to Belarus. "Please stay out of Big Brother's affairs, won't you?"

She narrowed her eyes at him and scowled, "_You_ are _not, _and _never_ will be, my big brother." Belarus pushed past him and returned towards the house, Lithuania following her closely.

France shook his head and looked up, watching England approach. "Oh great!" France smiled. "The man of the hour!"

* * *

**A/N**

_**Originally**_** my thoughts were to have England be Yzma, America be Kronk, and Spain be Pacha... But as time went on I started wanting England to be Pacha. And when it came to the children it was the italy brothers for Spain or the North American brothers for England. And after debating a long time, I ended up putting a poll on my profile asking if England or Spain should be Pacha and it was overwhelmingly England with Belarus as Yzma. **

**So, feel free to be angry at the cliche, but the final choice wasn't made by me. **

**I hope you are enjoying the story. **

**Thanks for reading and dftba**


	3. Chapter 3

"Who the bloody hell do you think you are?" England yelled as he approached France. "You _order_ me to come to your country, and then you neglect to tell me that you've moved. Do have any idea how long I've-"

"It's so nice of you to come, England," France cut him off, smiling.

"Oh no, don't you try and get on my good side now. I've had hours to let this ferment."

France grabbed the younger country's arm and pulled him towards the house. "I'm terribly sorry for my oversight, England. It won't happen again. It's just that I _had_ to see you, and I was in such a hurry to write that letter and get you hear that I completely forgot to tell you where I would be. I didn't-"

"You _had _to see me?" England asked flatly, pulling his arm from France's grip. "Why exactly is that? Because if it isn't important I'll personal lead a strike against you."

"Tsk," France shook his head. "You're so grumpy England. It _is_, in fact, important. I have a little problem that needs fixing and I think that you are the exact person that can help me out."

"I am?" he asked skeptically.

"Sure," France showed his younger counterpart into his tactical room and sat him down at the table. "Now, as you can see on this map..." he pulled out a pointer and used it to point out his country. "This is me."

"Yes, France, I happen to do very well in geography."

"Great, now do you see this section that has been colored in red?"

"You mean Great Britain?"

"Yes! Exactly! Now you see my problem!"

England lifted an eyebrow. "Your problem is that someone took a marker to your world map and colored in Great Britain? I don't think most people would acknowledge that as a real problem, France. And even if it was I definitely didn't have anything to do with it."

"That's not my problem," the older country laughed. "I need you to allow me to take over your territory."

England's face became expressionless immediately. "Excuse me?"

"Just a peaceful conquer. It wouldn't cause any problems for anyone."

"Even if I were to allow you to do that, which I won't, you do realize that I do not control _all_ of Great Britain."

"Yes, but aren't you the most important of the three?"

England leaned back and crossed his arms. "That's you trying to get on my good side again." He stood up and shook his head. "I don't know what's gotten in to you, France, or what you thought you good accomplish from having me come here, but whatever it was you failed. There is no way I'm going to let you take over my or my brothers' homes." Before he left the room he turned and looked at France. "Though, I do have to ask. Why are you stopping at Britain. Why not take the whole of the British Isles?"

"And cross Ireland? There's no need to bring her in to this. She would kill me if I touched either of the countries."

England chuckled under his breath, "I see," then turned to go. He had had enough of France's schemes for one day.

"I was really hoping I would be able to avoid declaring war. It's so taxing on my skin." France pulled a small mirror out of his pocket and examined his face.

"War?" England spun around.

"Hm?" France rubbed under his eye. "I'll never get rid of these bags if I go to war now."

"What do you mean war?"

"My cheeks will never have that beautiful rosy look." He sighed, rubbing his cheek. "And look, I'm starting to get a wrinkle."

England marched over and knocked the mirror out of his hand. "What's this about war, France?"

The older nation rolled his eyes. "The other day I had a meeting with my boss and the entire time I was thinking about how nice it would be to have a pool. After all, I've never had my own pool before. Lounging at the beach was more...me. But sometimes it's nice to get away and just swim. After the meeting, I asked my boss what kind of pool I should get. After all, I heard he has a lovely one. He told me that I shouldn't get a pool until I have more space for one. So, I'm going to expand and make space."

"I think," England said through clenched teeth, "that he meant you needed a bigger yard. In which case all you had to do was uproot and replant one of your gardens."

France thought for a second before shaking his head. "I think if he wanted me to move a garden he would've just said so."

"You realize Scotland will have your head the second you try to take an inch of his land. He has a nasty temper."

"Oh, don't worry, I'll handle little _Scottie_ myself. He won't be that much of a problem."

England closed his eyes and pressed his hand to his forehead. "You're an idiot," he whispered. "I don't even know why I came here. Talking about war and pools... I must be dreaming. Or hallucinating." He sat down. "I just need to wake up, be brought back to reality."

"You can leave now," France told him, waving his hand and going to retrieve the mirror. "It'll take me a few days to actually declare war, but don't worry, I won't forget about you. I just need to inform my boss about what's happening. Otherwise, once I give the word, Great Britain will be mine."

England rushed out of France's home and down the footpath, wanting to get home as soon as possible. He'd have to call everyone and tell them about France. "My brothers aren't going to like this," he mumbled.


End file.
